Screaming, falling down, cross-dressing, vomiting

Konstantinos Lagoudakis, the mayor of Malai, Crete, interviewed in today’s New York Times: “They scream, they sing, they fall down, they take their clothes off, they cross-dress, they vomit.”

He's talking about British tourists.

“It is only the British people,” he said, “not the Germans or the French.”

The Times spoke to 21-year-old man from Essex who said that the night before he had drunk had five beers, six cocktails made with Baileys, tequila, absinthe, ouzo, vodka, gin and orange juice (mmm!), five vodka-and-limes and another five beers – all of which, he said, emboldened him to pick up a woman to spend the night with.

In July, a 20-year-old British tourist partied with her sister and a friend into the early hours, then returned to her hotel room and — although she had denied being pregnant — gave birth. Her friends say they returned later to find the baby dead; she has been charged with infanticide.

Of course, the badly behaved Brits abroad aren’t been confined to Malia.

Earlier this summer, flying home to Manchester from the Greek island of Kos, a pair of drunken women yelling “I need some fresh air” attacked the flight attendants with a vodka bottle and tried to wrestle the airplane’s emergency door open at 30,000 feet. The plane diverted hastily to Frankfurt, and the women were arrested.

In Laganas, on the Greek island of Zakinthos, where a teenager from Sheffield died after a drinking binge this summer, more than a dozen British women were charged in July with prostitution after taking part in what the police called “an alfresco oral sex contest.”

In Dubai this summer, a British man and woman who met during a drinking bout were arrested and charged with having sex on a beach, after repeatedly shouting abuse at a police officer who ordered them to stop.

A recent report published by the British Foreign Office, “British Behavior Abroad,” noted that in a 12-month period in 2006 and 2007, 602 Britons were hospitalized and 28 raped in Greece, and that 1,591 died in Spain and 2,032 were arrested there.

London 2012 is gonna rock.

Not no more, you don't

As recently as yesterday, Dairy Farmers was running a TV ad in high rotation featuring actual dairy farmers – and lots of photogenic kids – saying "I own a company".

Today, Dairy Farmers was swallowed whole by National Foods of Japan for $910 million.

You got that right

Morons R Us

The Official Moron Registry allows you to let the world know about the moron in your life. Here, some morons of note.

Bodes, Patricia - She doesn't know how to be a real parent. She is not the brightest color in the box of crayons. She is as dumb as a box of rocks.

Cairo, Kelly - Chooses to play billiards instead of spending time with his girlfriend who had slaved over the stove cooking dinner for hours.

Davis, Missy - She goes around singing Jojo and Wiggles and she doesn’t even have any children.

Goff, Dwight - This guy has about 10 kids (several different moms), he doesn't take responsibility for any of them, he is too self involved with his drugs & cigarettes to care about anyone including his own mother.

Greaux, Phillip - Phillip, for the love of god, dump that worthless chick, then we'll take you off of this list.

Lippy, Sarah - Sarah has a hilarious habit of pissing her pants when she drinks. Plastic sheets please.

Nickisher, Chris - Everything he touches turns to shit. He's hot, gay and lives at home with his mommy. He's 28.

Parshall, Scott - A moron for viewing women in swim suits when we work at a Catholic organization.

Tefney, Howard - Howard is the guy who sits near me at work. What a frickin moron loser.

Xiong, Zing - Yes, his name is really pronounced Zing Zong. Zing this, you stupid bastard.

Yamamoto, Karen - Stop trying to sound smart all the time. We're all sick of it – the whole school. You bitch.

Cutest. Animal. Ever.

The momonga (Pteromys momonga), a flying squirrel that lives in Japan.

Super-kuwaii!

Space: 1899

Rise and fry

If the buzzing and beeping of an ordinary alarm clock won't entice you to rouse from your slumber, perhaps the irresistible smell of sizzling bacon will.

The Wake 'n' Bacon alarm clock switches itself on 10 minutes before you want to wake up and cooks some bacon in its internal tray.

It makes the morning so much easier.

Lumoava Suomi!

Every time I watch a DVD, I always sit through those endless copyright warnings in different languages wondering who on earth the one headed "Suomi" is for.

It turns out it’s for Finns. They call Finland Suomi, and their language is also called Suomi.

From Enchanting Finland: legends, feelings, experiences comes this list of the top 10 things that make a Finn happy. Number 6 is odd, but I know what they mean.

Finnish feel-good factors

1. A home of one's own
2. Sunny weather
3. An honest relationship
4. A trusting relationship
5. The freedom to be oneself
6. A freshly cleaned home
7. Friendship, gestures/words in a relationship
8. Friendship, actions in a relationship
9. Fidelity in a relationship
10. Security in a relationship

For some reason, the tango is huge in Finland. (There is an article which casts a little light on the subject here.) In fact, it’s so popular that in 1997 the Finnish Post Corporation issued a stamp celebrating the Finns’ love of the tango.

There's also a huge, week-long Tango Festival held every year in Seinäjoki called Tangomarkkinat, where the Tango King and Queen are crowned.

Here are the reigning Tango Queen and King, Johanna Pakonen and Mikko Kilkkinen. 

Aren't they sweet?

Unfamous last words

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice has a website dedicated to its executions, including a database of final statements. Here are some highlights.

Leon Dorsey, executed 12 August 2008
“See you when you get there. Do what you’re gonna do.”

Patrick Bryan Knight, executed 26 June 2007
“I am not Patrick Bryan Knight, and ya'll can't stop this execution now. Melyssa, take care of that little monster for me.”

James Clark, executed 11 April 2007
“Uh, I don't know, um, I don't know what to say. I didn't know anybody was there. Howdy.”

Shannon Charles Thomas, executed 16 November 2005
“Man, I am nervous. Sometimes you don't know what to say.”

Douglas Roberts, executed 20 April 2005
“I've been hanging around this popsicle stand way too long. When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rock and roll me when I'm dead.”

William Chappell, executed 20 November 2002
“Jane, you know damn well I did not molest that kid of yours. I really don't know what else to tell you.”

Monty Delk, executed 28 February 2002
“Get your Warden off this gurney and shut up. I am from the island of Barbados. I am the Warden of this unit. People are seeing you do this.”

Brian Roberson, executed 9 August 2000
"Y'all can kiss my black ass."

Happy finish

Aveda stoops to conquer with this poorly named product.

This monkey pants

Finally, something on eBay I actually need.

"It's offered to your attention the 'space pants' for macaque small monkey to wear it during the experimental space flight. This pants has been used for animals (monkeys) experiments in 1950s & 1960s in the USSR Institute of Biomedical Problems (IMBP, Moscow). This monkey's 'space pants' are designed with many clasps to fit bigger or smaller monkey."

I must write to the USSR Institute of Biomedical Problems to see if they have any more. This pants is hot.

Life. Be in it. v2.0

Without any apparent irony, the commercial television association Free TV Australia is running community service announcements telling us to “live life”.

This message is being hammered home in almost every ad break by sportbots like Grant Hackett and Giann Rooney.

Hackett is a particularly inappropriate choice to be telling anyone how to live. In the past year he has only seen his parents once and his wife for 35 days. 

He has no social life outside of grabbing lunch with of his training partners. He gets up at 6am and swims 14km, broken by 30-second breaks to shovel in some protein and a two-hour nap in the middle of the day. 

If he’s not in the pool he’s in the gym or in physiotherapy, and in bed by 7pm to recover from it all. He does this for weeks on end in a single-minded quest to win a swimming competition.

It’s hardly living, is it?

"I'm just coming into the stadium now."

I slept through the Olympics opening ceremony -- actually, it put me to sleep -- but I saw highlights this morning.

The Australian team looked good in their shiny blue jackets and silver caps, but did they all have to be chatting away on mobiles as they came in to the stadium? It looked like they had somewhere else to be.

警警 and 察察

Meet Jingjing and Chacha, the adorable mascots of the Internet Surveillance Division of the Public Security Bureau of the People’s Republic of China. In other words, the internet police.

The bureau employs more than 30,000 people to monitor the internet, ensuring that anything to do with the Falun Gong, police brutality, the 1989 protests in Tiananmen Square, freedom of speech, democracy, unregulated social or political commentary, Taiwanese independence, the Dalai Lama and the International Tibet Independence movement never appears on Chinese computer screens.

Its director says, “We published the image of internet police in the form of a cartoon to let all internet users know that the Internet is not a place beyond of law and that the internet police will maintain order in all online behavior."

Flirty dewy petaly floralcy

I love the press releases for fragrances. They try so very hard. Here are some highlights from a six-page press release for an upcoming Mariah Carey fragrance.

Endowed with the gift to bring her art to life, with heart-stirring music and lyrics to alluring fragrance, Mariah unveils a heavenly side of herself with the launch of her newest fragrance, Mariah Carey’s Luscious Pink.

This brand is a bright and sparkling interpretation, with petaly floralcy and delicate sensuality.

The inspiration for this fragrance is Mariah's voice and impressive range.

Her crystalline high notes are translated in the fragrance by luminous accents of a sheer, flirty blend of Sicilian Bergamot, crisp Ocean Breeze Accord and sparkling Bellini Accord, reminiscent of a glorious day in Capri, Mariah’s favorite destination.

The floral heart depicts the rich quality in the heart of Mariah’s voice. Inviting and alluring, the soft essence of Pink Peony is captured in the delicate heart of the fragrance. Wrapped in its beauty, dewy Tiare Petals and Lily of the Valley, create a beautiful blend that embodies Mariah’s flirty feminine aura.

A rich blend of bright blond woods and creamy sandalwood create a unique combination of Sun-Kissed Woods. Wrapped in sultry White Musk, the base reveals sensual warmth and long-lasting depth, reminiscent of Mariah’s magical voice.

We wanted to create a floral melody that is as enveloping as Mariah's voice.

I can't wait for the fragrance inspired by Glitter.

Nord e Sud

A wonderous dinner last night at the Park Hyatt, with a menu designed by Giovanni Pilu, from Sardinia, and Alessandro Pavoni, from Brescia. The two brought elements of their local cuisines – the mountains and the seas – together for a memorable meal. Here’s the menu with matched wines.

Thinly sliced swordfish served raw with grapefruit and Sardinian bottarga with capers
2006 Sella and Mosca ‘Monteoro’ Vermentini di Gallura

Braised organic snails and spinach on soft buckwheat polenta
2007 Castello di Luzzano ‘Carlino’ Bonarda Oltrepo Rosso

Black marron and white tomato water risotto
2007 Castello di Luzzano ‘Tasto di Seta’ Mavasia Colli Piacentini

Oven roasted suckling pig with scented apple sauce and rosemary potatoes
2006 Contini ‘Tonaghe’ Cannonau di Sardegna

Chestnut and amedei chocolate tortini and cream catalana
2004 Argiolas ‘Angialis’ Nasco di Cagliari

Loveable losers: Sydney’s “double A list” are just LA’s leftovers

You can tell how quiet Sydney becomes in winter when the local gossip hacks are forced to lead with claptrap about nobodies.

Witness, for instance, Ros Reine’s column in today's Sunday Telegraph. It leads with the utterly banal story of a former prime minister’s daughter having a go on the turntables at a Kings Cross hole-in-the-back-lane bar where nobody dances. Yawnsies!

In order to justify the relevance of this nonsense in some way, Sydney's self-proclaimed “hottest gossip columnist” (we’ll be the judge of that, thanks) bangs on about the club’s supposed "double A list" exclusivity – neglecting to mention that it's the home of the $10 beer – before giving the game away with this hilariously pretentious sentence:

[I]t has attracted quite a roll call of international celebrities, including rapper Eve, the Kardashian sisters and Lance Bass.

Let’s examine that little laundry list of supposed fabulousness, shall we?

Eve was busted for DUI last year after slamming her Maserati into the divider on Hollywood Boulevard, pleaded no contest to drink driving and ordered into an ankle bracelet and AA, so it's no wonder she has to do her drinking in back lanes.

In their native land, the Kardashian sisters are considered pointless famewhores whose main claim to fame is that one of them had her home-made porno stolen. Go Fug Yourself nails them: "no demonstrable talents aside from walking around and having boobs."

As for poor Lance "I'm gay" Bass, wasn’t he in a late-90s boy band with Justin Timberlake before failing to find anyone to pay for his trip to the International Space Station?

Not exactly a stellar lot, are they? It's a sad indictment on how desperate the hacks are – or how out of touch with reality – that they try to present leftovers as haute cuisine.

It brought to mind a phone call I received last week from an anxious-sounding PR who told me breathlessly that the products she was pushing were used by "international A-list red-carpet Hollywood celebrities." In other words, actors – people who pretend to be other people for a living.

My man of the match

An excursion out to Olympic Park tonight for the Bledisloe Cup. While I had a gold Wallabies scarf hanging around my neck, I had my eyes on the very handsome Richard Kahui – an All Blacks' rookie who also happens to be a great player. For the record, Australia won 34-19.

How do Oprah, Wu Yi and Angela Merkel feel about this?

And what about Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith?

From today's news coverage of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s whirlwind visit to Perth.

The Sydney Morning Herald:

The world's most powerful woman strolled through the city's picturesque Kings Park before addressing an outdoor press conference in her last official duty as a guest of Foreign Affairs Minister Stephen Smith.

The Brisbane Times:

The world's most powerful woman, the US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, landed in Perth last night surrounded by intense security for a whirlwind 18-hour visit.

Sky News:

As a gift from the school, she was treated to a rendition of 'What a Wonderful Day' from the school choir. "That's one of my favourite songs," the world's most powerful woman said in thanks.

The Australian:

Foreign Minister Stephen Smith hopes the world's most powerful woman will find the locals friendly and the scenery stunning when she flies into Perth tomorrow for a two-day visit.

The Times:

She may be the world’s most powerful woman, holding court with world leaders and standing centre stage on the international arena, but at heart Condoleezza Rice is just like every other woman – all she wants to do is shop.

Is it hot or crazy?

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain's campaign spokesperson's name is Tucker Bounds.