OMG, Mr Darcy!

Excerpts from 1-star reviews of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice on Amazon.com.

It just goes on and on and on, only to lead this sister ending up with that guy, this sister ending up with that guy, etc. — Adam Appleby

Personally I am disgusted. I think that they are all pompous and rather annoying. — A Customer

A terrible bore, really sort of a nightmare that never ends. — Laura “witchbaby”

I find this book repulsive. I am offended by every paragraph that I read. I have never felt such contemt for any work that I read. I pasionately despise this novel. The 17th century English aristocracy is offensive and without merit. — A Customer

Over two-hundred pages wasted on useless tasteless writing! It was a majority consensus in my senior English class that Pride and Prejudice was awful. — Elisabeth

Austen clearly never learned that readers do not like run-on sentences because the so called "novel" consists of run-on sentences that sometimes consist of more than one page. This novel is complete trash. — Mark Twain “Sam”

I hated this book. It was difficult to read, because Austen never seemed to get to the point, and everything seemed to happen so slowly. It was ridiculous. — cnyadan

this is possibly the boringest classice ever written, which is saying a lot considering the fact they're all quite boring. I mean look at the story, what a bunch of bull! What the hell...omg, Mr.Darcy! *rolls eyes* Could she not have thought of anything more exciting? — A Customer

This story was written in the early Victorian era, and hence it is quite old. I found it to be utterly boring. Maybe it was a big deal back in the time, but nobody cares nowadays. — krazykow@softhome.net

Just because you can type, it doesn't make you a writer. Or a mathematician

In a rare moment of restraint, TMZ marked the passing of Mickey Rourke's beloved chihuahua simply:

Loki Rourke

1991 - 2009

"Sometimes when a man's alone, that's all you got ... is your dog."

-- Mickey @ the Golden Globes

The second and third reader comments on the story:

2. That dog did not live 28 years. No way.

Posted at 11:57PM on Feb 17th 2009 by Stephen

3. Umm... a 28 year old dog? Is that a typo?

Posted at 11:58PM on Feb 17th 2009 by Wow

It's no wonder President Obama's Massive Stimulus Package includes $53 billion for education.

Calls for lynching and torture on the evening news: Welcome to Australia 2009

On Thursday last week, a man was arrested and charged with starting a fire in Victoria, one that burned through the small town of Churchill, where he lived. That fire killed at least 21 people – the entire town has been declared a crime scene and the final number won’t be known until a forensic investigation is completed – and destroyed about 200 homes.

His name is Brendan Sokaluk and he’s 39. He was charged with arson causing death, intentionally lighting a bushfire and possessing images of child pornography. His legal aid defence lawyer told the court at his remand hearing that he was in “a fragile mental state” and “should be seen by a doctor”.

His chances of a fair trial are now almost nil thanks to some fervid vigilantism and its support in some sections of the media.

It’s not hard to understand that people want someone to blame. In some of these small communities, brought together in stressful circumstances, the whispers and rumours got so out of control that a high-level police officer had to appeal for people to stop reporting anything to the police unless they were actually material witnesses.

It’s not even hard to understand how all the shock and grief and anger could be channelled into hatred against a suspected arsonist. If you want evidence of it, just look at any of the dozens of Facebook groups people have been set up to vent it. (Here’s an example, although it might be already be gone as they are being shut down as they appear.) Of course, there’s a lot of posturing going on there, and the death threats – a serious legal issue – are endless, but there’s also an almost unbearable amount of pain.

The media coverage of the Sokaluk arrest has been remarkably restrained because, after its role in the Cronulla race riots in 2005, sections of the media have become a little more gun-shy about whipping up a mob mentality.

One notable exception was Channel Seven mic monkey Chris Reason who stood in Churchill on Saturday, reading out comments from Facebook:

“They've been posting comments like this. Quote: ‘Hope this bastard burns’ and this one: ‘Cut off his fingers and toes, re-stitch them, then cut them off again.’ Many residents in here in Churchill say they feel the same.”

To prove that the residents of Churchill feel the same, he walked into the street and asked them, “What do you reckon the town would do if they got their hands on him?” One woman said, “I'd like to get him and pour petrol on him and burn him to death.” Another replied, “Oh, they'd tear him apart.”

If there’s a line between reporting and instigating lynching, Chris Reason crossed it. Sokaluk is still innocent until proven guilty (a concept that always flies out the window immediately in any emotionally charged case), and Reason irresponsibly jeopardised his chances of a fair trial in a very poor show of "journalism". No doubt Reason, and Seven, will be facing the legal consequences of their actions.

Brendan Sokaluk is due to appear again on 26 May, although there is a rising tide of legal opinion that says there is so little chance of a fair trial being possible that a permanent stay will be granted instead.

恭喜發財

Another new year party! Sydney is going all-out for its Chinese New Year celebrations this year. The festival, which started on Friday, goes for another three weeks, so it overlaps with the Sydney Festival, still in full swing, by a week. Much to be seen and eaten and explored, in that case.

Oh – it's Australia Day today, as well, so for me it means there are going to squadrons of warplanes roaring overhead all day and masses of fireworks in the evening. We're going to get among the mayhem in Chinatown tonight: lion dances, street food and strings of noisy red firecrackers. Yay!

Welcome, Year of the Ox. 恭喜發財 - kung hei faat coi! Good luck and good fortune!

The angry man

My local supermarket is open until midnight. At about 11, two guys start to close down the deli section. It’s obviously a big job: they have to put away all that neatly folded ham, coleslaw, fish fillets and mystery meat.

I like to shop late when the place is pretty much empty. I shop fast and don't need obstacles like people hunting though the 50 different mouthwashes to get in my way. It’s just around the corner and I enjoy a little late-night retail therapy.

Last night there was a man standing at the deli counter. He was 50-something, about five feet tall, wearing shorts, a singlet and thongs. He was the very image of a short, fat Aussie man. He was barking at the deli guy.

“The sign says midnight. If you’re going to close sections down, you need to say it on a sign out the front.”

The deli guy was barely following where he was going, but I could see it coming a mile away.

“You know, legally I could sue you for false advertising.”

He screwed up his face, turned to the short, fat woman he was with and barked, “Come on. We’re going.” He marched out, hamless and muttering, past the checkouts, while she trundled along behind him.

As if he hadn’t made his point at the deli, he stood at the door and shouted, “Bloody hell, woman. Hurry up. We’re never coming back here.” He took a few steps outside and, as the automatic doors were closing, managed to bark out his parting shot: “Ever!”

Goodbye to all that

The "Dick Cheney Lie Count" from last night's Letterman.

In related news, I got a press release today from the Lyndon LaRouche Political Action Committee – I have no idea why I'm on this list – saying that in the final week of Bushdom, Cheney will push Israel into a multi-front offensive with Lebanon and Syria that will give him the excuse to start a war with Iran that Obama will be forced to deal with.

When Clinton left the White House in 2000, the staff just pulled the "W" keys off all the keyboards.

There's cutting edge and there's just getting it wrong

I'm not an apostrophe Nazi unless it's work-related. I recognise that English is complicated and that punctuation can be tricky, so I'm fairly forgiving – by which I mean I wince but I get over it – when I see things like "CD's" as the plural of "CD". However, this job ad caught my eye. They really need to fill this position.

If a tree falls in a forest and no Aussies are around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I woke up this morning, as I have so many, many mornings of my life, to news of conflict in the Middle East. Today it’s the second day of Israeli air attacks in the Gaza Strip, with a ground attack looking highly likely.

The prospect of yet another war there, even after almost 600 years of conflict, should be news in itself.

Why, then, does the story have to be run on our local news – Seven’s Sunrise, to be exact – like this: “Trouble in the Middle East has flared again and Aussies are caught up in it.”

It reminds me of the way disasters are always reported: 370 people died in the plane crash but no Aussies were on board.

If Aussies aren’t involved, can it still be considered legitimate news?

Update: the "Aussies caught up in it" turned out to be one Australian woman who works with a humanitarian organisation in the Gaza Strip. It's her job to get caught up in it.

Well, hello, fellow Grits to Glitz listeners!

 

There's been a spike in my reader numbers lately and it's all Amy and Bay's fault. Hello, Amy! Hello, Bay! Thanks for the shout out!

To all my fellow G2Gers, welcome to my sandbox on the web. It's a pretty random affair, and I do encourage you to try out the Lucky Dip button to the left because the more randomly you are willing to face it, the better. Just like life.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about – and believe me, your number is legion, at least in my daily life – I'll back up and explain. There will be a test at the end, so please pay attention.

Way back in the heady days of winter 2006 (remember, I live in the upside-down hemisphere), I was in the grip of The Devil Wears Prada fever. I was scooching around the net and there was a reference to a review on a tiny, unpopulated site. Just a single entry: "Episode ONE: July 12, 2006".

Abandoning what little caution I possessed, I clicked a link. Something strange was happening with my iTunes. What? This is an audio file? (Yes, I confess was a total podcast newbie.) I hit play and within minutes, an international love affair began.

Amy and Bay are sisters. They both lived in East Tennessee until Amy moved to Las Vegas. Life in Las Vegas is not like life in East Tennessee, and the differences between the two places, an eternal compare-and-contrast conversation, was worth broadcasting.

Since then, they've covered a lot of ground in their weekly podcasts. There have been dogs and Disneyland, cocktails and Vegas shows, holidays and birds and recipes and grammar lessons and pigeon-squirting machines, three seasons of Project Runway and weeks of obsession with Tim Tams – a very funny international saga that culminated in this moment – and a big-ass Christmas wreath. Contests and scrapbooking and April Fools pranks and lots and lots of dish. And I now know what grits are and what the boonies are, too.

They might be on opposite sides of their country, and I'm so far away that it takes a whole day to fly here, but their podcast always makes me feel like the three of us are just sitting around the kitchen table, drinking coffee, having a chat. I don't get to say much, but I laugh the whole time.

It's hard to believe that a tiny bunch of pixels could lift my spirits, but when that little blue dot turns up in iTunes next to Grits to Glitz, that's exactly what happens. Like standing in front of a birthday cake, I know there's some fun to be had.

For the uninitiated, start your journey into Amy and Bay's world at the Grits to Glitz site, here. Have a look around. Download an episode or two. Subscribe in iTunes. You'll be a better person for it – trust me.

Grind up some greasy, greasy coffee beans . . .

I, Tallulah

I'm reading Tallulah Bankhead's autobiography, Tallulah. It's one of the most eloquent, entertaining books I've ever read.

In the chapter called "Affidavit of the Accused", she writes:

I've had many momentary love affairs. A lot of these impromptu romances have been climaxed in a fashion not generally condoned. I go into them impulsively. I scorn any notion of their permanence. I forget the fever associated with them when a new interest presents itself.

I'm so on her side.

Unfamous last words

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice has a website dedicated to its executions, including a database of final statements. Here are some highlights.

Leon Dorsey, executed 12 August 2008
“See you when you get there. Do what you’re gonna do.”

Patrick Bryan Knight, executed 26 June 2007
“I am not Patrick Bryan Knight, and ya'll can't stop this execution now. Melyssa, take care of that little monster for me.”

James Clark, executed 11 April 2007
“Uh, I don't know, um, I don't know what to say. I didn't know anybody was there. Howdy.”

Shannon Charles Thomas, executed 16 November 2005
“Man, I am nervous. Sometimes you don't know what to say.”

Douglas Roberts, executed 20 April 2005
“I've been hanging around this popsicle stand way too long. When I die, bury me deep, lay two speakers at my feet, put some headphones on my head and rock and roll me when I'm dead.”

William Chappell, executed 20 November 2002
“Jane, you know damn well I did not molest that kid of yours. I really don't know what else to tell you.”

Monty Delk, executed 28 February 2002
“Get your Warden off this gurney and shut up. I am from the island of Barbados. I am the Warden of this unit. People are seeing you do this.”

Brian Roberson, executed 9 August 2000
"Y'all can kiss my black ass."

Happy finish

Aveda stoops to conquer with this poorly named product.

Flirty dewy petaly floralcy

I love the press releases for fragrances. They try so very hard. Here are some highlights from a six-page press release for an upcoming Mariah Carey fragrance.

Endowed with the gift to bring her art to life, with heart-stirring music and lyrics to alluring fragrance, Mariah unveils a heavenly side of herself with the launch of her newest fragrance, Mariah Carey’s Luscious Pink.

This brand is a bright and sparkling interpretation, with petaly floralcy and delicate sensuality.

The inspiration for this fragrance is Mariah's voice and impressive range.

Her crystalline high notes are translated in the fragrance by luminous accents of a sheer, flirty blend of Sicilian Bergamot, crisp Ocean Breeze Accord and sparkling Bellini Accord, reminiscent of a glorious day in Capri, Mariah’s favorite destination.

The floral heart depicts the rich quality in the heart of Mariah’s voice. Inviting and alluring, the soft essence of Pink Peony is captured in the delicate heart of the fragrance. Wrapped in its beauty, dewy Tiare Petals and Lily of the Valley, create a beautiful blend that embodies Mariah’s flirty feminine aura.

A rich blend of bright blond woods and creamy sandalwood create a unique combination of Sun-Kissed Woods. Wrapped in sultry White Musk, the base reveals sensual warmth and long-lasting depth, reminiscent of Mariah’s magical voice.

We wanted to create a floral melody that is as enveloping as Mariah's voice.

I can't wait for the fragrance inspired by Glitter.

How do Oprah, Wu Yi and Angela Merkel feel about this?

And what about Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith?

From today's news coverage of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s whirlwind visit to Perth.

The Sydney Morning Herald:

The world's most powerful woman strolled through the city's picturesque Kings Park before addressing an outdoor press conference in her last official duty as a guest of Foreign Affairs Minister Stephen Smith.

The Brisbane Times:

The world's most powerful woman, the US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, landed in Perth last night surrounded by intense security for a whirlwind 18-hour visit.

Sky News:

As a gift from the school, she was treated to a rendition of 'What a Wonderful Day' from the school choir. "That's one of my favourite songs," the world's most powerful woman said in thanks.

The Australian:

Foreign Minister Stephen Smith hopes the world's most powerful woman will find the locals friendly and the scenery stunning when she flies into Perth tomorrow for a two-day visit.

The Times:

She may be the world’s most powerful woman, holding court with world leaders and standing centre stage on the international arena, but at heart Condoleezza Rice is just like every other woman – all she wants to do is shop.

Then why, exactly, are you here?

What is the one thing that all dreadful people on reality TV shows say to excuse their dreadfulness?

Smock? Belt?

Here's the lovely Cate Blanchett (with a couple of hangers-on) at the screening of the new Indiana Jones film in Cannes yesterday, wearing a grey gown by Armani Prive.

And here is how the reporter from AAP/AFP described it: "Blanchett looked radiant in a purple and black smock, tightly belted at the waist to reveal her trim figure."

The moral: don't let Sunday stringers anywhere near fashion.

“How may I torture you today?”

When is torture not torture? When it’s American, of course.

Only the masters of doublespeak could come up with the term “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques” to cover waterboarding, standing shackled to a bolt for 40 hours, withholding pain medication for bullet wounds or being kept in a freezing cell and regularly doused in cold water.

Not illegal enough for you? Try the “acts of cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment” the US likes to use at Guantanamo Bay: 20-hour-a-day questioning for 48 out of 54 days, blasting prisoners with strobe lights and ear-splitting rock music, menacing them with snarling dogs, threatening to hurt their mothers, and humiliations such as stripping them naked in front of women, or holding them down while a female interrogator straddles them and whispers that their comrades have been killed.

President Bush will veto any attempt to outlaw the practices, effectively sanctioning American torture. Mark up another one for George Jr's legacy.

The Queen’s small talk

I don’t know how she does it.

I was watching a documentary about the Queen. She was in Estonia, of all places, and was being introduced to 200 people at a reception. The British Ambassador to Estonia was flapping around – “This gentlemen is the inventor of the philharmonic chamber choir; this lady provides foreign policy advice to the prime minister” – and there she was, making small talk with each and every one of them. She had 45 minutes, which works out at 13 seconds per person.

It was getting close to dinner time and someone had to switch her off because, apparently, until someone intervenes, she will just go on meeting, greeting and thinking up questions. It’s done quite simply: “Your Majesty, the time has come.” She just stops, turns and walks away.

Of course, she’s been doing it at Buckingham Palace day in, day out, for more than 55 years. Endless diplomats, clergy and heads of state. The president of Ghana, the retiring Dean of St Paul’s, members of the Royal Welsh, ancient charity workers.

As a result, she has a ton of boilerplate patter in case someone clams up.
– Is this your first visit? Is it like what you thought it would be like?
– Was it difficult for you to travel here?
– Really? How marvellous!
– Comes around terribly quickly, doesn’t it?
And on and on and on.

When she’s over it, she presses a discreet buzzer in the arm of her chair. Two giant doors are suddenly flung open and, while her astonished guests have their heads turned, she just stands up. Audience over.

I also learned that she drinks gin and Dubonnet, 30/70, with a de-pipped slice of lemon under two ice cubes. At parties, all she has to do is spin around and someone will be standing there with a single glass, etched with “ER”, on a tray. Maybe that’s her real secret.

Paradoxes

I was reading a pdf document and came across this:
Technically, it's a "self-refuting meta-reference". I like to think of it as a koan, a Zen puzzle to clear the mind.

Here's another one.


Cue the finger cymbals, please. Twing twing!

Facebook groups about Corey Delaney: a taxonomy

As of this morning, there are 70 groups on Facebook about Corey Delaney (née Worthington). There's something for everyone! To make navigating them a little easier – it's so hard to decide! – I've classified them into this handy guide.

NEUTRAL > Discussion
✮ Corey Delaney: A genius or a complete retard?
✮ Corey Delaney: Friend or Foe?

FANS > General
✮ Corey Delaney, we salute you.
✮ Corey Delaney Fan Club
✮ Corey "Party boy" from Narre Warrin Fan Club
✮ Corey Worthington Official Fan Club
✮ Friends of Corey Delaney

FANS > Descriptive
✮ COREY DELANEY - PARTY LIASON OF THE SUBURBS
✮ Corey Delaney > Van Wilder
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A DEADSET LEGEND
✮ Corey Delaney is the partayyy GOD!!
✮ Corey Delaney... Party Legend
✮ Corey Delaney= hero
✮ Corey the Party King, My Newfound Hero
✮ Corey Worthington Delaney is FIT!!!

FANS > Descriptive > Accessories
✮ Corey Delany, His Sunglasses Are Famous

FANS > Descriptive > Endorsement
✮ Corey Delaney throws a wicked party!

FANS > Advisory > Corey
✮ Corey Delaney - Don’t take off your shades

FANS > Advisory > Corey > Employment
✮ Corey Worthington Should Throw Us A Party

FANS > Aspirational
✮ I wanna party with Corey Delaney!
✮ I Want To Party With Corey Delaney
✮ I want to party with Corey Delaney
✮ I want to party with Ben Cousins and Corey Delaney

FANS > Imitative
✮ People that party like Corey Delaney

FANS > Employment
✮ Corey Delaney - Plan My Party
✮ I want Corey Delaney to organise a party for me!
✮ I want Corey Delaney to organise my next party!!!!
✮ I want Corey Delaney to throw me a party
✮ I Want My Next Party Run By Corey Delaney

FANS > Support
✮ Free Corey Delaney!
✮ Free Corey Delaney.
✮ HELP COREY THE AUSTRALIAN KID RAISE 20K
✮ I support Corey Delaney
✮ Save Corey

HATERS > General
✮ Corey Delaney Non-Appreciation Society
✮ I Hate Corey Delaney

HATERS > Descriptive
✮ Corey Delaney (the kid who held the party in Melbourne) is a tool
✮ Corey Delaney from MySpace is a f**king tool!
✮ Corey Delaney is a cock jockey!
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A DEADSET IDIOT
✮ Corey Delaney is a DOUCHE BAG!!!
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A DUMB BOGAN
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A FUCKING KNOB
✮ Corey Delaney is a FUCKING TWAT!
✮ Corey Delaney is a fucktard
✮ Corey Delaney is a knob
✮ Corey Delaney is a knob
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A PLEB!
✮ COREY DELANEY IS A WANKER
✮ Corey Delaney is a wanker!
✮ Corey Delaney is an ugly wanker with NO sense of taste or style!!!!
✮ Corey Delaney is NOT a legend but a bogan idiot
✮ Corey Delaney Sucks 12"
✮ Corey Delaney....What a Fuck Wit
✮ Corey Worthington Delaney is a Wanker!
✮ Corey Worthington is a WANKER!
✮ PARTY BOY is a wanker!!!!
✮ Vote Corey Delaney - Australia's Biggest Bogan!!

HATERS > Violent
✮ Association In Favour Of Giving Corey Delaney A Clip Around The Ears
✮ Corey Delaney has definitely gone the right way for a smacked bottom
✮ WHO WANTS TO BASH Corey Worthington?

HATERS > Descriptive and violent
✮ Corey Delaney is a douchebag and I want to break his f*ckin sunnies
✮ Party Boy Corey Worthington Delaney is a tool and deserves a beating!!
✮ someone should belt corey delaney, that little stupid sunglasses idiot

HATERS > Advisory > Corey
✮ Corey Delaney, grow up mate
✮ Corey Delaney - Grow the F*CK up
✮ Corey Worthington/Delaney should go hang himself

HATERS > Advisory > Corey’s parents
✮ Corey Delaney should be put up for adoption
✮ Corey Delaney should have been a Head Job

HATERS > Advisory > Media
✮ Get corey delaney off the news

Update: at the end of the day there were 200 groups. Sheesh.